The thing is, life has gotten incredibly busy. Some days I feel it is a miracle I managed to get dressed. In fact that day was a miracle. I celebrated it just before bed and I was about to get back in my pjays. Hubby and I high fived one another while we were brushing our teeth. He said "waaa-t-ggooo-bawb" which, when you take away the toothpaste foam and the open mouth was, "way to go babe."
It would be ok if it were the great things that were keeping us busy but nope, not the case. Just lots and lots of lemons. And when you have lemons, you always have those friends that go, " just change your perspective and stop being such a negative Nelly." Why couldn't it be a Negative Nancy? Or maybe a Negative Natalie? I know some Natalie's and Nancy's and they are pretty much non-demon like. Have I mentioned how much I hate "Nelly?" And I mean "Nelly" anyone. All "Nelly's" are cows. They just are.
If you try and ignore someone who is intent on fixing you, they just get louder and start bringing you juice and muffins made from moss, berries someone found under a rock in Peru, barnacle testes, and bran. Better to head them off at the pass and say that you are really grateful for the lemons. Lie. Besides, if there is even a possibility that I can stop the citrus flow by chanting "oom chica bow wow" naked in the middle of a forest, under a harvest moon … I am going to give it a go. So, I even got a card and wrote, "Dear Life, thanks for the lemons. They are really big yellow, juicy lemons. Aren't I the lucky one? Yellow is such a happy colour. I feel happier already. Love and Kisses, Bliss"
Then I tried to mail it.
No-one knows the postal code for Life …
…or God . . .
. . .or even Miss. Blaney.
Miss Blaney was my Grade One teacher and she was in charge of everything, Her clothes were always crisp with sharp edges to compliment the sharp edges of her. Especially her nose. She could yell louder, without ever raising her voice one decibel, than anyone I have ever known. She did it with her eyes and her mouth and the way she staccatoed each word. I figured she had Grade One 55 years ago . . . she could easily be in charge of the universe by now. It was worth a try.
Turns out she's blocked me on Facebook. And Twitter. Also Google, Instagram, Pinterest and registered me with Interpol, the FBI, a trained team of elite mercenaries, and some tribe that hangs out in Afghanastan and trained ISIS.
I got her name from Linda Anne Masters. Linda stayed friends with all our teachers. She called them all by their first names, babysat for some of them, and the moment she graduated she was always meeting up with them for coffee. That is so annoying. The only teachers who ever reached out to me were the ones who tried to date me. They didn't wait for graduation before they invited me to see their bedrooms. None of them ever offered coffee. Somehow talking about those experiences at the school reunions did not reach the same level of sophistication that Linda Anne's stories with her teachers did. Everyone "oohed" and "ahhed" at hers. Mine just made people start digging to China with their toes.
I hate "Linda's" too. I think most of them are best friends with a "Nelly."
So I am sitting here with my envelope and you know what, I am just going to go ahead and open it and write back to myself. Just because Life, God, and Miss Blaney have deserted me, doesn't mean that I am not a precious snowflake. It just means that in addition to hating Nelly and Linda, I also hate Life, God and Miss Blaney. I can't control them. I control me. So I am going to love me. I am going to love me better than any of them ever could. I am going to answer myself.
"Dear Bliss, Thanks for the notecard. I am glad you liked the lemons. I will send you some more tomorrow. Stop your whining and for God's sake do not waste them on lemonade. You are better than that. Cats hate lemon spray. You can kill weeds with lemon spray. See where I am going with this? When life sends you lemons, find a way to use them to make an atomic bomb. No assholes, no problems. It isn't rocket science. Google whether enough lemon juice can not only bleach out freckles, but maybe remove a person's face. Be creative. You rocked cut and paste in Kindergarten. I know you can handle this. Love Me. (PS - You are my favourite, have always been! Let's do coffee soon.)"
Now THAT is taking charge of your life, in a very positive, recycling, responsible, healthy, natural, creative manner. Also, I would not be blinding or boiling any bunnies. I would be ridding the earth of a plague. I would be like a Mother Theresa, only with more citrus.
I am going to get dressed.